A Tale of Two One on Ones

Confession: there are times that I look at my kids, and see them as 4 kids. To clarify, I see them as a group of individuals who need my attention, affection, and affirmation, instead of seeing them as just individuals. In the past two weeks though, I've had the gift of spending one on one time with two of my sons, Wes and Grant. 

Grant

Grant was supposed to join his 3 siblings on a camping trip with my mother and father-in-love, but a fever and cough stopped him dead in his tracks. The goodbye was agonizing for us all, as tears and words of love dripped all over Grant's hot-to-the-touch head. Steve left to drive the other three to camp, while I stayed home to care for Grant. I knew that I couldn't make up for the disappointment he felt; he'd been looking forward to this trip for weeks. So the overarching question that he and I had to answer was, "How can we make the best of a crummy situation?" 

We snuggled. We watched movies. We made s'mores dip in a cast iron pot. 

He chugged Gatorade and I sipped coffee. For the first time in a long time, it was just him and Mama. I watched as God changed my would-have-been date time with Steve to a once-in-a-great-while face time with my littlest boy. Steeped in the traffic of his sibs, his strong will often makes him misunderstood by me. But taking them out of the equation let me appreciate him for who he really is: chivalrous, compassionate, and deep. Even in his fevered state, he offered to help me around the house. He can discuss a movie plot like nobody's business. He was constantly mentioning his bros and sis, and wondering how they were doing. He has the heart of Despereaux, and I had him all to myself. 

Wes

As Evan, Grant, and Janessa went to VBS, their brother Wes had aged out of it. I had no idea what to expect when I dropped off the younger 3. Wes is on the cusp of turning 12, and my tween can sometimes be tough to read. Hear me when I say, I haven't had this much fun in a while. Wes and I joked, laughed, reminisced, and got each other, whether it was chatting over frappucino's or strolling the farmer's market.

 Our last day of sending them to VBS had Wes and I wondering what we'd do on our last day as a duo. We ended up at the mall, where I told him I was there to go in the stores he wanted to go into. He wrinkled his forehead and said, "But what about you? What about the stores you want to go into?" I said, "Nope! It's all about you today." He and I went into Game Stop and headed down to the other end of the mall. I lost track of the stores and just soaked in his company. All of a sudden, he pointed and said, "There's Yankee Candle! You like that store, right? It'd make you happy to go in there, right?" "Yes," I said, "But it's not where I want to go." "Sure you do!" he began gently pushing on my back and guiding me into the store. "Mom, I want to do what makes you happy!" I swallowed a lump in my throat. Later on that day, he paid me the highest compliment I've ever received from him: "You are a RAD Mom."

I can think of thousands of ways that I blow it. I can name you a dozen attitudes that I have that are wrong in my mothering. But the one that was brought to my attention through all this is that these one on one times are all too infrequent. I intend on penciling in Mom-and-son or Mom-and-daughter dates, but so many times I drop the ball. And yet I have a God who overrules Google Calendar. I didn't plan Grant's sickness, or really intentionally plan that I'd have time alone with Wes, and they happened: not as I planned, but as God ordained them. If nothing else, having one on one time with them encouraged me to make that happen more. But of course, there are other things I can learn from them :)

Catch Up on the Old

I loved my time with my men-in-training, because it reminded me of all the things I appreciate about them. In the day to day, it's hard to catch them doing something good when you're riding them for bickering, selfishness, or laziness...at least it is for me. Face to face time helps us as parents to accentuate the positive- to see with crystal clarity what makes our kids awesome. And the number one thing that makes our kids awesome is that they are OURS. Locking eyes with my young men reminded me of that- and I am forever grateful they get to be mine. Remember, they are YOUR kids. If they didn't do anything else, that's what makes them special.

Adventure in the New

I noticed that with both Grant and Wes, we shared new experiences together. Watching new movies, eating new foods, going new places, having new hidden jokes. Something about newness helped me see them in a new light. When we're in the same four walls, routine, and context, things can get old. Stale. Mundane. Grant and I bonded over digging graham cracker quarters into a cauldron of roasted marshmallows and chocolate. We commented on the flavors, textures, and what we'd try differently the next time. Wes and I bought strawberries at Wilson's Farm Stand, and sarcastically joked about a few of the scented candles at Yankee. In both cases, we made memories. We braved uncharted territory. Planted our flags at the top of new summits. That's what we need to do with our kids. I'm challenged to add variety to the life I have with the kids. Because it's fun. Because life can be tough. Because I want them to tuck these memories of me in their hearts just like I'm doing with them.

Let's make a summertime pledge. With the balance of the summer, let's plan one face to face per child. Even if it's something small, like a walk or a 99 cent sundae. It's beneficial, and you'll have a blast. I bid you happy one-on-one-ing.:)

Soul Seasons, Part 5: Soul Winter

Winter. No one wants to think about it this time of year (except a few snow bunnies I have as friends), but it's inevitably coming. Although winter has a few highlights for me (Christmas and my daughter's birthday), most of the time the word "winter" sends a chill down my spine. Interestingly enough, the cons that come to mind about winter can be spelled out in two word phrases such as limited travel, close quarters, less sunshine, blistering cold, tight muscles. Even the personification of Old Man Winter brings a mental picture of a white bearded, cruel curmudgeon who delights in hurling snowball grenades and icicle spears at a climate-oppressed people. The challenge that I face in the wintertime is getting through it with joy, and not losing hope. Does that describe your struggle between December and March? 

As in the other seasons of the soul, there is a winter. If you're not in wintertime, there is a high probability that it is coming your way. If you've ever been through an extended season of loss, trial, and hardship, you've been through a soul winter. Life around you seems less forgiving; the blows just keep coming like a regularly scheduled barrage of winter storms. Instead of having your arms wide open in stunning vulnerability, you find your arms embracing yourself tightly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Instead of abundance and freedom, you are scrimping and struggling spiritually. You remember with sad longing the days when you were coasting effortlessly, but now you find yourself inching up a steep incline. But if this is where these words find you, don't despair. Surprisingly, everything you've learned in all the other seasons will help you get through this rough patch. How?

Stay Warm

I spend my winter going from one warm place to another. I go from the house to the van. From the van to the store. Although I can't avoid being outside entirely, I know that the cold isn't my final destination; getting to a warm place is key. In order to stay warm in this brutal soul season you're in, you have to cover the area that loses the most heat: your head. So many battles are waged inside the mind, and keeping your mind "warm" in the midst of the icy blasts of life is like fortifying the command center of an organization. As the state of the mind goes, so goes the rest of the individual. It's a struggle to not become bitter when life gets sour, but it's not impossible. In the summer, we learned to give thanks- and that's one way to stay warm. Giving thanks isn't just for November- it's a 365 day of year proposition. In every soul season, there is always something to be thankful for. In spring, we learned to beautify our surroundings; that we can use wisdom to make any situation beautiful, and this includes our minds. 

And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Philippians 4:8 NLT

These words were penned by the bad-guy-turned-good-guy Apostle Paul not while he was on the beach sipping a cold drink, or in the company of friends at the lake, but alone in a prison. A PRISON. And not the kind of prison that inmates in America experience today, but a dank, dark dungeon. Through the power of the Holy Spirit, Paul was able to experience warmth in the midst of a soul winter. His arms and legs may have been in shackles, and his physical body behind stone and bars, but his mind and his spirit were free. To loosely borrow lyrics from "My Girl", when it was cold inside, he had the month of May. His mind was set on the exact opposites of what he was experiencing. His thoughts shot straight past the small truths about what he was feeling, and with the laser focus we learned about in autumn, he was able to hone into the bigger truths about God's character. Paul turned his spirit from a thermometer, subject to the changing climate around him, to a thermostat, that controlled the climate around him, and thereby he was able to keep warm. 

Keep Hope Alive

In the dead of winter, I find myself looking online for pictures of warm, lush places. I've been known to change the wallpaper of my phone to a beach, or a flower carpeted field somewhere. Am I torturing myself? Maybe. But deep down inside, I'm nursing the thought that someday, the barren wasteland around me will match the picture I have on my phone. Jeremiah in the Bible was in a horrible state when he looked around him. All he saw was pain, devastation, loss, and hopelessness. His people had turned their backs on God, and were now living out the dire consequences. His heart was dashed into pieces remembering Israel's glory days, and now seeing her desolation. The picture of the past didn't match the picture from the present. Let's crouch down to his slumped posture and feel his agony.

I cry out, "My splendor is gone! Everything I had hoped for from the Lord is lost!" The thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Lamentations 3: 18-20

Pretty depressing, huh? But that's life sometimes. Not the pretty picture we are often painting on social media. Jack Frost has nothing on the searing bite life can have. And yet in the vicious soul winter squall, we see a break in the clouds over Jeremiah's head, and hope streams down in silken threads:

Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: the faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, "The Lord is my inheritance; therefore I will hope in Him!" Lamentations 3: 21-24

In Disney/Pixar's film Wall-E, the earth was trashed. Quite literally. The entire landscape of earth was piled so high and so deep with trash that life was choked out. But not all life. In the midst of the mountains of debris, Wall-E finds something completely paradoxical. Somehow, someway, a tiny green plant was able to thrive in the most unforgiving soil. He gingerly scooped up that tender life form with the earth surrounding it, and placed it in an old boot. SPOILER ALERT: the rest of the movie is built around him and his companion Eve protecting this plant from destruction. Hope must be protected that vigilantly. There is so much in life that threatens to pry open the sweaty fingers we're using to cling to hope and get us to let it go. World events. Difficulties. 

Hope is outnumbered by a million and one things, and yet only a sliver is needed to overcome them all. If we place our hope in God, we'll realize that even in a seemingly eternal soul winter, His mercies do begin afresh every morning.

 With the rising of the sun, comes enough hope to get us through our day. And when we pillow our heads that night and all seems lost, we wake up to new hope the next morning. Might life still be hard and cold? Probably. But there is always hope. Answer your soul winter's bludgeoning by daring to hope. Winter won't last forever. It's a season, remember? It has a beginning, a middle, and a rewarding end: springtime. Until then, stay warm, and keep hope alive. 

Did any of the soul seasons resonate with you? Gather up your courage, and let me know in the comments below! You never know who you'll be able to encourage with your story. Also, if you've missed any of the seasons posts, make sure to check out part 1 here! No matter what season of life you find yourself in, thrive, my brave friend, no matter what comes your way.