What you are about to read is the story of me trying to make things easier for God. You read that correctly. I shudder to admit it, but confession is the path to healing.
For years, 12 to be exact, my family has prayed for a bigger house. I read scriptures, sought counsel, dreamed big, and had confirmations that one day, we would be given a permanent place to dig our roots down. Something bigger than the 2 bedroom we live in now. I have enjoyed seasons of contentment where I thanked God for this little condo, and endured raw frustration when I came to grips with the limitations we have in this place. Most of the time, I've been somewhere in between the two. Here's where the ugliness enters the scene: the part where I made things "easier" for God.
I started thinking about how badly I wanted to move out of here, and how the numbers don't lie: living in New England ain't cheap. The cost of living here is higher in comparison to other parts of the country. So I took my top shelf dream, and brought it down to where I think God could "handle" reaching it. I reduced an unfathomable God to the size of a shoe box. I began compromising with Him.
"OK, so maybe NH is too much to swing. I get it, God! How about North Carolina? How about Virginia? You can totally handle that, right?"
I may not have said those exact words, but to my shame, my actions did. I started looking for real estate on the other side of the Mason Dixon line. I started dreaming of possibilities that weren't on the table of God's BEST for our family. I had subtly entered the Ishmael Compromise.
Tucked into Hebrews 11 in the Bible, and listed among those in the Hall of Faith is a woman named Sarah. Sarah had been promised a child in her old age. She had waited. She had prayed. She had dreamed about it. God made good on His promise because He swore He would, and because she had faith. But flip back to Genesis 16 and we see that she wasn't always a woman who believed that God was able. She was a woman who, like me, was waiting on God for a dream, but was growing impatient. She took her dream off the top shelf and brought it down lower, to make it "easier" for God.
"Now [Sarah], Abram's wife, had borne him no children. But she had an Egyptian maidservant named Hagar; so she said to Abram, 'The Lord has kept me from having children. Go, sleep with my maidservant; perhaps I can build a family through her.' Abram agreed to what [Sarah] said." Gen 16:1-2
Her frustration came to a boiling point. In her mind she had waited long enough for God to come through. Humanly speaking, there was nothing Sarah could do about waiting. So she compromised. She took matters out of God's hands, and into her own hands. While languishing in a world out of her control, she tried making Ishmael (the child Hagar had by Abram) her "Isaac" (the child she eventually had), and wound up disappointed. Exactly where I found myself. Exactly where you find yourself.
"God, clearly I'm not getting any younger, so I'm going to throw myself into any relationship while I wait."
"God, obviously I'm not where I want to be career wise, so I'm going to resign myself to this horrible job."
"God, this dream You've placed in me is so close, and yet so far away. I'm done dreaming. Time to wake up."
"God, I'm starting to think You'll never answer this prayer request. Everything is pointing to the fact that either You are holding out on me, or You're not powerful enough."
Know what I've learned? That it takes more courage to have faith against all odds that God loves me, and that He's is able (even if He chooses not to) than it does to cry uncle and manipulate my miracle. I'm working towards that kind of bravery.
The end of Sarah's story is that she believed. She received her promised son. And God gave her 30+ years to enjoy him. That's the God she served. The same God who we serve.
My fear is that God's timing won't have us move until my oldest is moving out. I desperately want Wes (my 12 year old) to enjoy our house well before he turns 18. And I'm sad to admit that I was willing to shoot straight out of the will of God to make it happen. How short sighted. God met me in my struggle though. He showed me how I was limiting Him, doubting Him, and attempting to undermine His sovereignty. He reminded me that there is nothing too hard for Him. Not in NH, not in America, not in the universe. He gave me the directive I needed. Stay put, His grace is on us here, and we will see His hand move us in His timing.
Desperation drives people to do some wild things, doesn't it? If we were to peel back desperation's face, we'd see fear. What are you afraid of? That you'll never find out what career you were made for? That you could never afford college? That you'll never meet your soul mate? That you will never have kids? That you will never get that healing? That you will never get that breakthrough? Let desperation instead drive you to do the hardest thing of all... To wait on God. To resist fear with faith. To not settle for second best while you're waiting for the best. 1 Peter 3:6 says it beautifully:
"You are [Sarah's] daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear."
Be brave. Though your prayer looks far from answered, be brave. Though you could settle for a million plan B's, be brave. When you feel like taking matters into your own hands, be brave. Don't take the Ishmael Compromise. Wait for your Isaac. Wait for God to come through in the BEST way- His way.
What's something you waited on God for? How did He answer?
