The Back to School Gift To Give Yourself

I can feel it. Lazy mornings are down to a handful. Unstructured days are going extinct. The shaking ceilings and echoing voices in the house will be quieted next week- once again, the kids are going back to school.

Last week, I found myself going from content at the fun we've had this summer to miserable. In tears. Unmotivated. Why? Well, I remembered all the stuff I intended to do to, with, and for the kids once school got out. I remembered the first day of vacation thinking that the next 10 weeks or so were my oyster. I had seemingly all the time in the world to beef the kids up on their math skills, reading skills, and people skills. I envisioned them being more prepared than boy (or girl) scouts at a Camporee to take on the school year with unwavering confidence. I was already patting myself on the back for coming up with such lofty goals. And then summer came.

The challenge of screen time reared its ugly head. I was caught up in having a few moments to myself to get stuff done in peace, and time escaped. I would print out  the math worksheets or flash cards and would be met with groans, weeping, wailing and the gnashing of teeth. I would get library books and although the older kids loved the series they began, the younger two either complained that the books I chose were too hard, or not hard enough. And when I wasn't up to doing adult, I became lazy. I tried. And tried. And tried. I realized that those goals I had were lofty, but if I tried to measure success in the acquisition of 4 perfectly cultured and educated robots, then I had failed. Epically.

What do you do as a Mom when you look back at this summer with regrets? What if the kids you thought you would have at summer's end don't quite look like the kids you have? Life is a mixed bag. Which means that even if you look back and see regrets, there are good things to see as well.

In my case, I look back and see the one on one's I've had with the kids. I got to really enjoy who they are growing up to be. There have been moments of robust laughter. When life felt like helium instead of lead. And we laughed till we cried. There were big victories relationally, like when I saw three of them weep at their brother being left behind from a camping trip because he had a high fever. Or when they self boycotted a video game because they noticed that they often fought when they played it. There were splashes in the ocean and toads caught in the creek. There was ice cream for dinner, and spontaneous jam sessions in the van. There was... Fun.

Can I shoot straight with you? I think that along with the Ticonderoga pencils and new shoes, there's a gift that you need to get yourself. It won't affect your bottom line, but it will affect how you feel when you hit rock bottom. Are you ready?

REMEMBER THE WINS.

Everyone has regrets. Everyone. We all have things we wish we could have done differently. But instead of beating yourself up for the things you did wrong, how about choosing to celebrate the things you did right? Most likely, there are people in your life who do just that. Your kids.

A few weeks ago, I was browsing Pinterest, and an article caught my eye. "10 Ways You Can Be a Better Mom". Before I could read it, my 12 year old snatched my phone away. "Hey! What did you do that for?" I declared. With his trademark singly raised eyebrow, and a calm demeanor, he said, "You don't need to read that. You're already a GREAT Mom." Children measure wins differently than we do. And maybe we would do well in following their paths.

And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Philippians 4:8 NLT

When regret's acidity sours the back of your throat, REMEMBER THE WINS. When comparison threatens to steal your joy, REMEMBER THE WINS. When time zooms by at a breakneck pace, REMEMBER THE WINS. When your sleep is robbed by watching your mistakes over and over, REMEMBER THE WINS. Remember all the fun you had with your kids this summer, and all the reasons they love that you're their Mom. They have no regrets; why should you?

A Tale of Two One on Ones

Confession: there are times that I look at my kids, and see them as 4 kids. To clarify, I see them as a group of individuals who need my attention, affection, and affirmation, instead of seeing them as just individuals. In the past two weeks though, I've had the gift of spending one on one time with two of my sons, Wes and Grant. 

Grant

Grant was supposed to join his 3 siblings on a camping trip with my mother and father-in-love, but a fever and cough stopped him dead in his tracks. The goodbye was agonizing for us all, as tears and words of love dripped all over Grant's hot-to-the-touch head. Steve left to drive the other three to camp, while I stayed home to care for Grant. I knew that I couldn't make up for the disappointment he felt; he'd been looking forward to this trip for weeks. So the overarching question that he and I had to answer was, "How can we make the best of a crummy situation?" 

We snuggled. We watched movies. We made s'mores dip in a cast iron pot. 

He chugged Gatorade and I sipped coffee. For the first time in a long time, it was just him and Mama. I watched as God changed my would-have-been date time with Steve to a once-in-a-great-while face time with my littlest boy. Steeped in the traffic of his sibs, his strong will often makes him misunderstood by me. But taking them out of the equation let me appreciate him for who he really is: chivalrous, compassionate, and deep. Even in his fevered state, he offered to help me around the house. He can discuss a movie plot like nobody's business. He was constantly mentioning his bros and sis, and wondering how they were doing. He has the heart of Despereaux, and I had him all to myself. 

Wes

As Evan, Grant, and Janessa went to VBS, their brother Wes had aged out of it. I had no idea what to expect when I dropped off the younger 3. Wes is on the cusp of turning 12, and my tween can sometimes be tough to read. Hear me when I say, I haven't had this much fun in a while. Wes and I joked, laughed, reminisced, and got each other, whether it was chatting over frappucino's or strolling the farmer's market.

 Our last day of sending them to VBS had Wes and I wondering what we'd do on our last day as a duo. We ended up at the mall, where I told him I was there to go in the stores he wanted to go into. He wrinkled his forehead and said, "But what about you? What about the stores you want to go into?" I said, "Nope! It's all about you today." He and I went into Game Stop and headed down to the other end of the mall. I lost track of the stores and just soaked in his company. All of a sudden, he pointed and said, "There's Yankee Candle! You like that store, right? It'd make you happy to go in there, right?" "Yes," I said, "But it's not where I want to go." "Sure you do!" he began gently pushing on my back and guiding me into the store. "Mom, I want to do what makes you happy!" I swallowed a lump in my throat. Later on that day, he paid me the highest compliment I've ever received from him: "You are a RAD Mom."

I can think of thousands of ways that I blow it. I can name you a dozen attitudes that I have that are wrong in my mothering. But the one that was brought to my attention through all this is that these one on one times are all too infrequent. I intend on penciling in Mom-and-son or Mom-and-daughter dates, but so many times I drop the ball. And yet I have a God who overrules Google Calendar. I didn't plan Grant's sickness, or really intentionally plan that I'd have time alone with Wes, and they happened: not as I planned, but as God ordained them. If nothing else, having one on one time with them encouraged me to make that happen more. But of course, there are other things I can learn from them :)

Catch Up on the Old

I loved my time with my men-in-training, because it reminded me of all the things I appreciate about them. In the day to day, it's hard to catch them doing something good when you're riding them for bickering, selfishness, or laziness...at least it is for me. Face to face time helps us as parents to accentuate the positive- to see with crystal clarity what makes our kids awesome. And the number one thing that makes our kids awesome is that they are OURS. Locking eyes with my young men reminded me of that- and I am forever grateful they get to be mine. Remember, they are YOUR kids. If they didn't do anything else, that's what makes them special.

Adventure in the New

I noticed that with both Grant and Wes, we shared new experiences together. Watching new movies, eating new foods, going new places, having new hidden jokes. Something about newness helped me see them in a new light. When we're in the same four walls, routine, and context, things can get old. Stale. Mundane. Grant and I bonded over digging graham cracker quarters into a cauldron of roasted marshmallows and chocolate. We commented on the flavors, textures, and what we'd try differently the next time. Wes and I bought strawberries at Wilson's Farm Stand, and sarcastically joked about a few of the scented candles at Yankee. In both cases, we made memories. We braved uncharted territory. Planted our flags at the top of new summits. That's what we need to do with our kids. I'm challenged to add variety to the life I have with the kids. Because it's fun. Because life can be tough. Because I want them to tuck these memories of me in their hearts just like I'm doing with them.

Let's make a summertime pledge. With the balance of the summer, let's plan one face to face per child. Even if it's something small, like a walk or a 99 cent sundae. It's beneficial, and you'll have a blast. I bid you happy one-on-one-ing.:)

Of Bath Robes and Silly Putty

Embedded in the fibers of my bathrobe is SILLY PUTTY.

It was an ordinary day last week when I noticed it. I went to pick up my beautiful L.L. Bean light purple bathrobe that my husband got me last Christmas, when I noticed that interrupting the bright color was another color. A light beige gummy texture had adhered to the terry. That's when it hit me: someone had put Silly Putty on my bath robe. I felt the mercury rising in my frustration-o-meter. "This is one of the only nicer things I own, and now it has SILLY PUTTY on it?!?!" I channeled my inner Sherlock Holmes, and pieced together a plausible story that explained this minor tragedy. Janessa (my 6 year old) was probably playing with the sinister goo, and instead of putting it back safely in its egg shaped case, she left it to its own devices. The putty then decided to make extra friendly with my bath robe, and the rest as they say, is history.

My frustration peaked again yesterday when I discovered that my newly organized bedroom  had ended up in a state of minor disarray. My spaciously streamlined dresser was now covered in various art pieces by Janessa. The Monopoly card game that I had tossed in my bedroom's waste basket had been resurrected again, and placed in a pile on the floor. "I JUST cleaned this room!!!! What is this?!?!" Steve and I have joked around through the years that there's only one word for mysterious messes, broken belongings, and abolished agendas. Sabotage.

Being a Mom has been one of the most honored privileges that I am blessed to be part of. I used to dream of what my kids would look like, sound like, and grow up to be. And yet, being a Mom, sometimes I get trapped in discontentment in the here and now. Being a Mom has chiseled me into a learned Type A. I make plans, I write lists, I clean messes. Sometimes I get frustrated when the kids take my two steps forward and turn into one step backward. And then I remember lyrics to a song by Trace Adkins called, "You're Gonna Miss This":

You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this

Discontentment settles like an itch on the skin of my soul, and instantly I'm tempted to scratch it with wishing away. Wishing away the frustrations, the messes, the ages and the stages. The "Why can'ts" and the "Someday when's" connect with my current irritations, and I'm given the false hope that the future will be better in some way shape or form. But the truth is that even if today's troubles are over, tomorrow will have new ones. I'm past children in diapers, but teens dating are ahead of me. I'm done with teething, but wisdom teeth are yet to come. I may have navigated through training wheels, but I'm raising 4 future student drivers. Shocking, but true.

I look at my bath robe in a new light. The stubborn substance enmeshed into those thirsty threads was placed there by the dainty fingers of a little girl who is absolutely priceless. A girl who uses those hands to draw me pictures of Mommy and baby animals, because she treasures the mother daughter relationship so much. 

A girl who grows a little older every day. A girl who will one day be a teenager, who'll be a young woman. A girl who I will one day try to wish back, because I miss her so much. Though I won't be able to bring her back, but what I can do is celebrate today.

This is the day that the Lord has made.
    Let us rejoice and be glad today! Psalm 118:24

Today, she is 6 and lives at home. She goes to kindergarten half the day, and comes home to eat lunch with me. She is my mini me in a million different ways. She has a feisty sense of humor. Today, I will celebrate who she is. Today, I will celebrate where each of my kids is at. Today is a day not for wishing away, but for slow savoring. So slow that when today becomes 20 years ago, I'll still have the taste of these fleeting days on my palate. I'll probably forget about the bath robe with Silly Putty. However the Janessa of today, I'm going to miss her. Let's look at the temporal in the light of the eternal. Let's overlook today's pebbles in the light of life's big milestones. After all, today's "sabotages" are tomorrows sweetest memories.

The Hedgehog and the Christmas Lights

He was having a hedgehog kind of day. He was cute like a hedgehog, but just as prickly. I couldn't figure it out. It was Christmas Eve, the day before all my son's waiting would come to a glorious end, and yet he was bristly. I was exhausted from resorting to verbal correction that resembled a game of Whack-a-Mole all day long. "Don't irritate your brother!" WHACK. "If you act that way, no one will want to play with you." WHACK. "Mommy needs a little bit of space." WHACK. WHACK. WHACK. 

"All right," I thought, "Maybe I'm being harsh. Maybe he needs some one on one time." Out came Uno Attack, and the bonding commenced. Much better. Until I won round 1.

"Mom, one more time!" I was already worn. I didn't have "one more time" in me. But I consented. "All right, Honey, I will play one more time with you, but then Mommy is going to quit." Round 2 went by faster than the first, with me winning again. "One more time?" he coaxed. "No," I replied,  "I told you after this round, I would quit." I watched as he sulked over to Lucy (our Boston Terrier) with a sour face. He clutched her little body with his left hand and sighed. 

A frustration soaked inner dialogue began in my mind. "I played the extra round. He is still NOT HAPPY!! ARGH!!" I retreated to the laundry room to sort out the clothes, and my thoughts. "What is with him?!" My little hedgehog...precious, but boy was he prickly at times!

That evening held some much needed time out of the house. My hubby drove us around to hunt for Christmas lights. We found some along the way to our final destination, but our last stop took our breath away.

We pulled up to a beautiful house in a quaint town, and to our delight, we saw a display that was exceptional. The lights, the music, the colors...it was a feast for the senses. Every eave and corner was covered with lights that danced a choreographed blitz with every drum beat, bass thump and electric guitar solo. 

I looked back at my little hedgehog, and much to my surprise, his eyes were fixed...but not on the resplendent light show we were watching. He was staring at the house across the street with sparse and plain solid lights.

"No, Honey, look at THIS house!" we cried as we pointed to the rock star house. "On the left side!! See???"

He stubbornly kept his eyes fixed on the plain Jane house, ignoring all our pleas to have him join our vantage point.

Inner dialogue: "ARGH!! He is so stubborn!!!" 

I allowed myself to be sucked back in to the music and light show that danced in fiery sequences over the house and lawn. With reluctance, I turned once more to the right to see the house that my son was staring at. It was a joke in comparison. I sunk into contemplation.

Surface symptoms can be like the rock star house. My son's behavior that night was flashing with inflammation. Cranky, irritable, button pushing, SCREAMING for attention. Like the house with the light and music show, it held my negative energy. It was so easy to get sucked into it, to roll with it, to tap my finger to the coordinating song rhythm. And yet, there, directly across the street, the plain-Jane house stood, silently, and in a non-flashy way, starkly contrasting the Las Vegas marquis house. 

I began to think on the subtle truths about my son. The steady truths that weren't as obvious, but still were just as there. Like the stationary lighted plain-Jane house, I had to purposefully decide to strain my neck to see them, because the flashy irritations were compelling.

He is probably excited about Christmas and doesn't know what to do with that excitement.

He desperately wants attention, and even negative attention works.

He was caught being prickly all day, but I had never really caught him being precious.

He attached himself to the one person who, in his mind, had the best chance of understanding him: me.

He desperately needs to be LOVED in spite of himself.

I was so sad...sad for him, because I fear he didn't get what he was desperately longing for, and sad for myself that I let the flashy inflammatory behaviors eclipse the steady truth about my son; he needs a Mom to love him through the prickly, and to call out the precious inside him.

Fast forward to deeper in the evening, and I was snuggling with my hedgehog. His skin was clean, smooth, and smelling like soap. His hair was damp from the shower. That day was one that ended in mutual apologizing and mutual affirmation of love. "Will you forgive me?" I asked him. "I'll ALWAYS forgive you," he replied with a content smirk. 

At the end of this bittersweet day, the slice of life that I'm savoring is that I can't get caught up in the bright and boisterous surface, and ignore the plain-Jane truth. I am praying that from this point on, the Holy Spirit will help me see through the choreography of chaos that comes my way, and place my fingers on the pulse of the matter. Because although that day had a sweet finish, every tomorrow after that is a new day of deciding. Deciding to turn my gaze from the unlovely to the lovely. Deciding to see the best, in spite of the worst. Deciding to strip down the smoke and mirrors to see the muted truth. God help me. God help all of us. 

Those who get caught up in the distracting light show of life's ugliness are a dime a dozen. Those who choose instead to see the ugliness as a chance to love are a precious few. May we, with God's power, be counted among the latter. May we cup the world's hedgehogs in loving hands, and most especially, the little ones who share our burrows. May the plain-Jane truth about them be ever in our just-as-stubborn gaze. And may our lives live out the truth that we, grown up hedgehogs, are loved by a God who fixes His relentless gaze of grace on us.