Confession: there are times that I look at my kids, and see
them as 4 kids. To clarify, I see them as a group of individuals who need my
attention, affection, and affirmation, instead of seeing them as just
individuals. In the past two weeks though, I've had the gift of spending one on
one time with two of my sons, Wes and Grant.
Grant
Grant was supposed to join his 3 siblings on a camping trip
with my mother and father-in-love, but a fever and cough stopped him dead in
his tracks. The goodbye was agonizing for us all, as tears and words of love
dripped all over Grant's hot-to-the-touch head. Steve left to drive the other
three to camp, while I stayed home to care for Grant. I knew that I couldn't
make up for the disappointment he felt; he'd been looking forward to this trip
for weeks. So the overarching question that he and I had to answer was,
"How can we make the best of a crummy situation?"
We snuggled. We watched movies. We made s'mores dip in a
cast iron pot.
He chugged Gatorade and I sipped coffee. For the first time in a
long time, it was just him and Mama. I watched as God changed my
would-have-been date time with Steve to a once-in-a-great-while face time with
my littlest boy. Steeped in the traffic of his sibs, his strong will often
makes him misunderstood by me. But taking them out of the equation let me
appreciate him for who he really is: chivalrous, compassionate, and deep. Even
in his fevered state, he offered to help me around the house. He can discuss a
movie plot like nobody's business. He was constantly mentioning his bros and
sis, and wondering how they were doing. He has the heart of Despereaux, and I
had him all to myself.
Wes
As Evan, Grant, and Janessa went to VBS, their brother Wes
had aged out of it. I had no idea what to expect when I dropped off the younger
3. Wes is on the cusp of turning 12, and my tween can sometimes be tough to
read. Hear me when I say, I haven't had this much fun in a while. Wes and I
joked, laughed, reminisced, and got each other, whether it was chatting over
frappucino's or strolling the farmer's market.
Our last day of
sending them to VBS had Wes and I wondering what we'd do on our last day as a
duo. We ended up at the mall, where I told him I was there to go in the stores
he wanted to go into. He wrinkled his forehead and said, "But what about
you? What about the stores you want to go into?" I said, "Nope! It's
all about you today." He and I went into Game Stop and headed down to the
other end of the mall. I lost track of the stores and just soaked in his
company. All of a sudden, he pointed and said, "There's Yankee Candle! You
like that store, right? It'd make you happy to go in there, right?"
"Yes," I said, "But it's not where I want to go."
"Sure you do!" he began gently pushing on my back and guiding me into
the store. "Mom, I want to do what makes you happy!" I swallowed a
lump in my throat. Later on that day, he paid me the highest compliment I've
ever received from him: "You are a RAD Mom."
I can think of thousands of ways that I blow it. I can name
you a dozen attitudes that I have that are wrong in my mothering. But the one
that was brought to my attention through all this is that these one on one
times are all too infrequent. I intend on penciling in Mom-and-son or
Mom-and-daughter dates, but so many times I drop the ball. And yet I have a God
who overrules Google Calendar. I didn't plan Grant's sickness, or really
intentionally plan that I'd have time alone with Wes, and they happened: not as
I planned, but as God ordained them. If nothing else, having one on one time
with them encouraged me to make that happen more. But of course, there are
other things I can learn from them :)
Catch Up on the Old
I loved my time with my men-in-training, because it reminded me of all the things I appreciate about them. In the day to day, it's hard to
catch them doing something good when you're riding them for bickering,
selfishness, or laziness...at least it is for me. Face to face time helps us as
parents to accentuate the positive- to see with crystal clarity what makes our
kids awesome. And the number one thing that makes our kids awesome is that they
are OURS. Locking eyes with my young men reminded me of that- and I am forever
grateful they get to be mine. Remember, they are YOUR kids. If they didn't do
anything else, that's what makes them special.
Adventure in the New
I noticed that with both Grant and Wes, we shared new
experiences together. Watching new movies, eating new foods, going new places, having
new hidden jokes. Something about newness helped me see them in a new light.
When we're in the same four walls, routine, and context, things can get old.
Stale. Mundane. Grant and I bonded over digging graham cracker quarters into a
cauldron of roasted marshmallows and chocolate. We commented on the flavors,
textures, and what we'd try differently the next time. Wes and I bought
strawberries at Wilson's Farm Stand, and sarcastically joked about a few of the
scented candles at Yankee. In both cases, we made memories. We braved uncharted
territory. Planted our flags at the top of new summits. That's what we need to
do with our kids. I'm challenged to add variety to the life I have with the
kids. Because it's fun. Because life can be tough. Because I want them to tuck
these memories of me in their hearts just like I'm doing with them.
Let's make a summertime pledge. With the balance of the
summer, let's plan one face to face per child. Even if it's something small,
like a walk or a 99 cent sundae. It's beneficial, and you'll have a blast. I
bid you happy one-on-one-ing.:)
