Dear Charisa: A Letter to Myself on Fatherlessness and Marriage

Dear Charisa,

You are about to enter one of the most important parts of your life: being married to Steve. I know you've already practiced writing "Mrs. Charisa C. Martin" in your prettiest cursive, and your friends and family have blessed your socks off buying things from your wedding registry. Still though, you need to know that you are in for a surprise about marriage.

Young one, you've spent the last 11 years of your life without a Daddy. You've gotten comfortable having a single Mom, and now that you're getting married, you think that Steve will heal that Daddy wound that fatherlessness has left inside your heart. I want to tell you that you're right, but to be honest, you're wrong. You are placing your hope in the wrong man. It's true that his love will be the perfect place for you to heal from fatherlessness, but it isn't the cure. In fact, there will be times when your husband's loving presence will remind you of just how big the hole is. Steve is your husband, not your father. He will love you in ways you never dreamed- ways that wreck you and make you wonder how anyone could love you that much. But even he knows that he isn't the answer. Much like Sam told Frodo in Lord of the Rings that he couldn't carry the ring weighing Frodo down, but that he could carry him, he will mirror that same faithfulness to you. He can't fix your fatherlessness, but he can carry you to the One who can fix it.

You see, Charisa, it's within the context of marriage that God will heal your broken heart. He won't erase the memories, He'll join you in them. And He will give you Steve to accompany you in this journey. God will show you the silver lining of every cloud you take into this relationship. He'll use Steve to show you that healing takes time, and grace, and love. 

The very first time Steve laid eyes on you, he was drawn to you- but not in the way you think. You see when he saw you, and asked around about you, someone told him that you were from a single Mom's home. That's when the Holy Spirit whispered to his heart, "Pray for her. Earnestly." And he did. His last girlfriend was in the same boat as you- trying to go through life with a gaping hole in her heart. That was no coincidence. His witnessing of her pain helped him better understand yours. He knew just how to pray, because the last one who broke his heart had a broken heart herself. Little did he know that he was praying for his future wife; he was interceding for the one who would one day be his. His prayers are the catalyst that will slowly, steadily begin your healing.

After you get married, there will be times when you'll have conflict. Every couple does. And there will be times where that conflict, much like a spoon, will stir up the liquid feelings that you have, and the dregs of your brokenness will float to the surface. In the swirling confusion, you'll look at Steve's face, and see your Dad's. You'll get angry, and scream at him, "You're JUST like my father!" Your words will sting his heart. And yet deep down inside, you know that it's not true. He's nothing like your Dad. In fact, what your heart will really be crying out is, "This conflict makes my Daddy wound ache!" You'll want to be loved. And God will give Steve the grace to love you; to push down your guard and say in a healing whisper, "I'm not your Dad." He'll hold you, and you'll wonder where his love comes from- and how you'll ever be made whole. The answer to both is simple: God.

Your healing won't be a one time event. Your healing won't be without pain or tears. Your healing won't be easy. In fact, it will resemble childbirth. There will be pain. There will be moments of wondering when the agony will end. You will be tempted to give up. You will be stretched. When the mundane unexpectedly triggers a floodgate of painful memories, don't run. Don't push it back down.  Just know that the healing being birthed in you will be stunningly beautiful. When God crawls into the memories of your pain and shows you He was there with you, you'll see a new side of Him that you never knew existed. And Steve will, like a labor coach, give you support and encouragement. I know you know this, but you have a good man. A good, GOOD man. 

But even a good, GOOD man is no substitute for a God who loves you. Trust Him in those dark valleys. Take as many healing pit stops as you need. Every flare up of pain is God telling you it's time for another layer. His timing is impeccable. His ways higher than yours, and His thoughts above your thoughts. Every girl needs a Daddy. And since you have a void, let God fill and keep filling it like no earthly father, husband, friend, or anything else could. You'll doubt He can, but then again, you've never really let Him. He's never left you, and He's not about to start now. You're about to enter a wild adventure, so buckle up. Get ready to be loved like you never dreamed possible- by Steve, and by God.

And so, although marriage won't fix your fatherlessness, bank on the fact that God is able to make all things new. He can restore, redeem, and revive every broken shard of your heart. Don't be afraid. Take courage. The strength about to be built in you will surpass any amount of pain you feel. I know this because I have a gift that you don't have yet- hindsight, which helps me see more clearly than you can right now. Cling to the hope that you can be restored. Trust the Father in the process. And hang on tight to that hunk of yours. He's a keeper.