Autumn is without a doubt my favorite season. The rainbow of
leaves above, the coziness of soups and yes, cups of tea, and the sweet autumn
air make it irresistible to me. But two things that are honest confessions for
me are 1- I have been dreading writing this blog post, and 2- I dislike autumn
as a soul season- at least I feel that way now.
You see the autumn that wraps nature in a robe of beauty,
and the soul autumn I'm experiencing don't feel the same. Physical autumn is
eye candy. Soul autumn is agony at times. In soul autumn, there is a dying to
self, a letting go, and the close of a chapter. It was a few months ago that
Steve and I felt the Holy Spirit telling us that our season at our church was
coming to an end. The 9 glorious years spent there made it so hard to leave.
The pastors are our dearest friends, the love is unmistakable, and we were
comfortable. And yet, the direction from God was crystal clear. This journey
with Jesus isn't always pretty. He will lead us into places that are downright
painful; His purpose is our good, but more than that, His glory.
When you find yourself at an end, an end of a relationship,
a dream, a job, it can feel so bitter and bare. Sometimes we can see the
writing on the wall when we're in a relationship/job/friendship/etc that drains
us of our joy; it almost makes it easier to leave when things get sour. But
what about when things are still sweet and there's an ending? It reminds me of
the trees in fall. Summer begins to exit, and the bright green leaves start to
turn. From verdant to gold, orange, or red. The leaves don't show any sign of
distress when the change starts to happen. When soul summer becomes soul
autumn, questions swirl in the air like falling leaves. "Why does this
have to end?" "Why now?" "Why do things have to change now
that I'm happy?" Have you ever found yourself asking questions like that
to God?
I've found myself fluctuating between excitement at this new
God adventure, and feeling bare. Bare like a branch that had a beautiful
cluster of flowers clipped from it forever. There is no mistaking though- those
flowers are clipped because the gardener has new growth in mind for that
branch. Growth like the branch has never seen before. God is leading us on from
our church because He has new growth in store for us. Still though, I am
grieving what was, while waiting for concrete proof that it was all worth it. The
only hope and reward I have left after this pruning is God's presence, and His
promises. His presence that stays with me while I'm in this season, and His
promise that He blesses obedience. If this is you too, we're in the trenches
together. Maybe you said goodbye to someone you loved, after asking God for a
miracle. Maybe your job transferred you from one place to another, and you are
faced with saying goodbye to friends, family, and a house. God has growing in
mind for you. And what parting gifts is He imparting to you? His presence, and
His promises. And while you're holding on to those with sweaty hands, and a
lump in your throat, consider these two ways you can thrive in this season.
Refocus.
Maybe like me, you were so comfortable that you were on auto
pilot. The cadence of your surroundings was in sync with your very heartbeat.
And then the ending comes, and you are thrown off. Take some time to refocus.
Who are you? What defines you? The things that you do, the relationships you
are tied to, or the fact that you are a child of God? Remember that He gives
you your worth, priceless one- not the gifts that He's given you. Lock eyes
with Him- not on the beautiful flowers He's clipping off of you. His very life
is coursing through your veins. And if His life is in you, you will grow anew.
You are rooted and established in His love. Refocus on that truth in the midst
of your grief. This might be the end of something, but it's not the ending of
you. In fact, you are at another beginning. There is less of an extension of
yours, but this cutback is positioning you for a comeback.
Let Go.
Those technicolor leaves end their fiery display in being
let go. I never realized that there is a double beauty in the changing foliage.
Those gorgeous leaves go from bedazzling every bough of every tree to hurtling
in a dazzling descent, blanketing the ground like a patchwork quilt. Those
leaves are just as beautiful on the ground as they are on the tree. Their story
isn't over though. As those leaves die, they break down, and bequeath their
rich organic material to the soil underneath so that it's positioned to
incubate new life, and enrich existing life.
So you see, the letting go of what God has called you to
nourishes dreams, relationships, and seasons that are yet to be. Goodbyes are
painful. Goodbyes make a heart ache. But goodbyes prepare for hellos. I find
comfort in knowing that God isn't asking me to suck it up, and move on, never
looking back. He is asking me to heal in forward motion. He is infusing my
fingers with courage while they close this chapter to open a chapter yet
unwritten. And He is happy to offer His shoulders to cry on when I'm feeling
the pangs of missing out on the season I'm saying goodbye too. He fills the
awkward space between the goodbye and the new beginnings with His steadfast
love that makes us at home in every season.
You can trust that as you let go,
the hollow of your empty hand is the perfect receptacle for you to receive
grace that will sustain you in this leg of the race. Grace that will cushion
your heart in the act of letting go.
May you see the beauty in this bittersweet
season, just as I'm learning to. I don't
know what it is that you've let go of. I bet it was painful; it always is.
However, in the midst of the aching, you can trust that the Gardener of your
soul is taking extra care to ensure you're ready to grow, and that He will use
what He pruned to nourish things yet to be. For with God, nothing is wasted.
